Life Lesson

This past week I've been texting constantly with Cute Boy (he's been out of town) and sort of neglecting most of my other interests. Part of the problem is I don't actually have a computer at home and it can be a pain lugging my laptop to and from, especially since I've started riding the bus to work. I figure, my luck, I'd leave it at home and be screwed at work for that day - not a good way to impress the boss-types. So I've sent a couple of emails to one person (and the texting). I feel like I'm really clicking with Cute Boy, but it's hard to tell over texts, it could just be wishful thinking since I think he's so darn cute! We did make plans to get together last night. Since he's been traveling he just wanted to be able to have a quiet evening so we stayed at my place, ordered pizza and watched Raiders of the Lost Ark. There was also lots of fun making out, all very proper (basically he didn't try to get beyond making out - which is good, since I wouldn't have let him get further than he did). I feel like I can be silly with him and that is incredibly freeing. It's sort of like when I was younger and had a crush on a guy, I'd be silly and affectionate and never worry about what they would think about what I was saying, it's nice!

One of the really refreshing things about Cute Boy is that he is so honest. We actually had a discussion about dating (imagine that!). He told me he is dating other people because he doesn't think that one can tell what one likes or dislikes in a partner without experiencing different traits & attitudes. He also feels like if you date only one person at a time that you may be seeing what you want to see, not what that person really is. I had never put it in words before, but that is a viewpoint I've thought about a lot this morning and I have to agree with it. I'm really impressed that he has actually thought out why he's dating other people, I don't know if many people do (I didn't). However, knowing that he's seeing other people made me realize that I'm in a whole new ballgame. Most of my life I've spent jumping in and out of exclusive relationships, never really 'playing the field'. I'm going to have to learn to be a little less emotion/instinct driven than I've ever been just to keep myself from getting hurt. That will be hard for me. I'm going to have to be a lot more consciously aware of my feelings. I think if I can do that and then make sure I'm actually telling people my feelings (not just assuming they know) I can keep myself safe without compromising my nature.

Be Careful What You Wish For!

After J. decided not to see me anymore I decided to make myself feel better and re-signed up on eHarmony (that's where I met him and some others, it was a good experience overall). I quickly started the contact process with a couple of guys left over from the first stint - but obviously they were second choices. After two weeks with no new matches I decided to broaden my search and signed up on Match.com. definitely a MUCH broader selection! For the first day or three it was very exciting to get all these new profiles and winks and emails, now I just feel pressured and overwhelmed! (and of course, eHarmony sent me something like 20 new matches in the week after I signed up on Match - frustrating.) So now I feel like I've got all these guys wanting to, "say hi" and, "get to know [me] better". I've picked a couple and been more aggressive about contacting and getting to know them, but Oh, Lord, it's just stressful! How many should I be contacting? What is the norm? I can't even figure out if I can log onto Match and be 'hidden' so other people can't see I'm online. Being online sort of seems to attract them, like locusts. I, personally, don't want to even email a guy who only has one picture and in that he doesn't have a shirt on (why don't they wear shirts?). But suddenly, there he is, the shirtless wonder, thinking that we have a lot in common! If we had a lot in common he'd have a shirt on! I even set up dates with three guys (one eHarmony, two Match) for this past week. I met one on Saturday (a Personal Trainer) and one on Sunday (Cute Guy) and had coffee/dinner with a guy last Tuesday (Civil Engineer) . Is this just the new dating scene? Before I was always in school when I met people, so that was easy - hang out with a group of people until you meet someone through a friend and hook up. For me there was usually only one at a time.

To add even more complications to this situation, I had lunch with Superman last Tuesday. I really had a great time seeing him. We've actually been seeing more of each other the last few weeks. My family and friends are all very concerned about this development and I really do understand why - they did help pick up all the pieces of me after I moved out. But I can't see the point in letting someone into my life for 4 years and then just saying "b-bye" and never seeing them again. He is a great person and someone who is very great to his friends and I really like having him in my life. I don't want to be hurt again and I've got a wonderful sense of self preservation and I don't intend on letting myself be hurt again.

One last interesting bit in my life is PA. He and I have had some very intimate text messaging lately. I would date him in a heartbeat except that he just told me last week that he was having a girl move in with him. About two days later our text messaging became very interesting. What I really don't understand is that he is the one who is starting these text conversations. He of all people should know what it is like to have someone cheat on them and yet he is initiating these topics. I guess I'll have to have a serious conversation with him and get things to make a little more sense.

Dating

The whole dating thing is a little crazy. I've signed up on eHarmony and Match.com and I'm finding this whole thing a little nerve wracking. I don't know what to say to these people that I meet. I always feel like I'm bragging or something. I tend to write my messages and then re-read and re-read them and over analyze everything. Then I worry about how I come across. I also end up feeling a little bit like a loser for needing to go to these sites to meet men. (Yes, I know, it is just another way of meeting guys and it's no worse than being drunk in a bar and meeting a guy, but there is still a small part of me that thinks this is a little weird.)

Traveling

I was out of town last week for business/pleasure. I'm lucky enough to be able to combine the two when I need (plus it saves me the cost of a plane ticket home). What really amuses me about visiting home is the fact that my family is a little crazy. The last two times I've been home my parents complain that I don't spend enough time with them (2 nights each time I went out with friends) so this trip I didn't tell any of my friends I was coming home. Hung out with the folks, only saw my sisters a couple of times, and then my parents were there too. On Tuesday my mom asks what I'm doing that night because dad was playing cards with his friends. I got the impression I had spent too much time with them, but I loved every minute of it! I miss my parents and wish they lived closer.

My work trip took me to College Station, TX home of Texas A&M University and all the crazy Aggies. Like most college towns, most of the people I knew when I lived there have moved away, but there were some food places I was looking forward to frequenting. I went to Freebirds, best burritos ever (puts Chipotle to shame) and then to Rudy's BBQ (love me some mesquite smoke flavor - yum!!). I'm sure there are better, fancier places to go, but those were the places I'd been missing for 5 years! I really have to say, I love College Station; the people are all so friendly and it has a very nice small town feel. It also has all the amenities of a college town and is close enough to Houston that one can access any of the culture one wants.

Life and relationships

Whenever a relationship ends people always tell you to 'move on' and 'you're better off'. It doesn't feel that way when a relationship ends, even if it was only a short-term fling. When relationships end, be they romantic or platonic, long term or short - a part of who and what you are has died. While that may sound dramatic, it is true. Everyone you meet and have a relationship with adds something to your life. They teach you something about yourself you didn't know before. You are also someone slightly different to each person you meet. So when someone exits your life, that unique person you are with them ceases to exist.

I try to resist telling friends to 'move on' and 'there will be someone else for you' because when a friend is hurting those words won't help. What I find I need is just the knowledge that I have wonderful people in my life. Sometimes I just want to cry and tell my story over and over in an attempt to blunt the edges of the pain.

I just recently had a short term relationship end because J. picked the other girl. This was a relationship that I thought had lots of potential to grow into something more. While I'm pretty sure most people I know thought I was over-reacting a bit, I have to wonder about that. For me this ending brought up many other issues, because let's face it, I wasn't madly in love with J. (I didn't know him that long). It was all those other issues that I hadn't faced before that came to the surface and made this ending so traumatic for me. It is much easier to deal with all the heavy baggage I carry around when the trigger is really simple (such as J. dumping me) than if the trigger was major (such as the ending of my 4 year relationship with Superman). I've found that I can only deal with so much emotional pain before I break and then I just shut down emotionally. I had thought I'd dealt with all my issues with Superman in the last year, but obviously I hadn't.

First post

I never really thought I'd be the kind of person who would want to put my life out there, but here I go! I don't really understand what this urge is to write lately. I think it may have to do with feeling like if I'm reading about other people that it is only fair that I share my experiences. I'm not sure at this point what direction this blog is going to take, but I hope people will bear with me and maybe learn a little from my mistakes (and I make a lot, just never the same one twice!)

I guess I should start with a little background info, just to catch everyone up. I'm a 32 yr old single woman, living near a large midwest city. I started life as an Air Force Brat, so I've got a deepseated love/need to travel and move around a lot. Luckily, my job requires me to travel around the country so I don't have to spend too much of my own money (of which there is very little). I work for a non-profit museum based organization so I feel that I'm giving back to my community. I'm the youngest of 5 girls and the only one of my family up in this area, so I've had to learn to create a family out of friends and co-workers - I think I've done a pretty decent job because I know some wonderful people.